Relationships Are Not Always Easy
A healthy and loving relationship with a partner is what most of us really want, but the journey to being really happy and thriving in a relationship can be tricky for many of us! Often what happened when we were young can still affect our happiness in our adult relationships.
In this blog, I’ll talk about some ways your childhood might be stopping you from being happy in love today. And I’ll share the steps we all can take to process and heal from this.
How We Project Our Past Onto a Current Relationship
In the different stages of a relationship, we often project our unresolved childhood issues onto our partners. For example, we might unconsciously seek validation or try to heal our childhood wounds through our relationship. This underlying, largely unconscious driving force can lead to misunderstandings, conflicts, and unmet expectations.
We can get really frustrated and triggered when our needs are not met by our partner! This is when many relationships get challenging and is the stage of a relationship that I call the ‘power struggle’ stage. This is when we get very disillusioned in our relationship, especially if we’re not aware of what’s going on under the surface of our emotions.
The Alternative to the Power Struggle Stage: Developing a Conscious Relationship
There is another way though, and that’s to cultivate a conscious relationship. This means that each partner takes responsibility for healing their own past wounds and taking care of themselves in this way.
In a conscious relationship each person knows that it is their own ‘job’ to make themselves happy and to nurture both themselves, their partner AND the relationship. In order to achieve this balance in a relationship, we first need to become aware of what might be blocking us.
Some Ways Your Childhood Could Be Holding You Back
✅ Parental Wounds
Our first point of contact with love is usually through our parents or caregivers. If our childhood experiences were marked by neglect, abuse, or inconsistent love, it can leave deep emotional wounds that affect our adult relationships. These wounds can manifest as trust issues, fear of abandonment, or difficulty in forming healthy attachments. Recognizing these wounds is the first step in healing them.
✅ The Effect of Not Feeling "Enough" on Self-Esteem
Childhood experiences that make us feel inadequate or unworthy can severely damage our self-esteem. When we don't believe in our own worth, it's challenging to attract and maintain a healthy, loving relationship. Low self-esteem can lead us to settle for less than we deserve or tolerate unhealthy behaviors from a partner.
✅ How Low Self-Esteem Affects Our Expectations in Adult Relationships
Low self-esteem not only affects how we view ourselves but also how we perceive what we deserve in a relationship. We might find ourselves accepting less love, respect, or kindness than we should, simply because we don't believe we deserve more. It's essential to raise our self-esteem and set healthy boundaries to break this cycle.
✅ Limiting Beliefs About Relationships
Our childhood experiences can shape our beliefs about love and relationships. If we witnessed unhealthy relationships or experienced toxic dynamics, we may carry these beliefs into adulthood. These limiting beliefs can hinder our ability to form and maintain healthy, fulfilling relationships. Identifying and challenging these beliefs is crucial for personal growth.
✅ Accepting Unworthy Treatment
When we don't feel worthy of love, we may tolerate mistreatment or stay in unhealthy relationships far longer than we should. We may cling to the hope that someone will validate our worth, even if it means enduring pain and unhappiness. It's essential to recognize when we're settling for less and have the courage to walk away from toxic relationships.
How to Heal Childhood Wounds & Move On
We can process and heal our childhoods in order to see the past as the past and be able to cultivate healthy relationships (first our own relationship with self and then external relationships with others).
Steps to Heal Old Wounds in Order to be Happier Now
Self-Awareness: The first step towards healing is self-awareness. Reflect on your childhood experiences and how they might be affecting your current relationships. Recognize any patterns or triggers.
Set Boundaries: Learn to set healthy boundaries in your relationships. This includes asserting your needs, expressing your feelings, and recognizing when a relationship is no longer serving your well-being.
Self-Love and Self-Care: Cultivate self-love and practice self-care. Building self-esteem involves treating yourself with kindness, acknowledging your worth, and investing in your own happiness.
Communication: Open and honest communication with your partner is crucial. Share your feelings, fears, and aspirations. Together, you can work through challenges and grow as a couple.
Seek Professional Help: A therapist or coach can provide valuable guidance and support in addressing childhood wounds, self-esteem issues, and limiting beliefs. They can help you develop healthy coping strategies.
🦋 To sum up, while our childhood experiences can impact our adult relationships, they don't have to define them. By becoming aware and addressing childhood wounds, building self-esteem, challenging limiting beliefs, and practicing self-love, it is possible to create the loving, fulfilling relationships we deserve.
Remember, it's never too late to do this inner work to heal and find happiness in love. Some people never do the work and experience the same problems and patterns again and again throughout their lives. So whatever age you are just know that you can tackle this and heal.
In my own work I utilize Rapid Transformational Therapy (RTT) to help people process and heal from childhood wounds. For more info about RTT go here! 🌞 ✅
RTT is included in my Healthy Relationship Formula Program. Read more here!
AVOIDING NARCISSISTS WHEN DATING
If you've ever been in a relationship with a narcissist, you know just how damaging the experience can be. It's a painful journey that leaves scars both seen and unseen, but it's also a journey that can be prevented with the right knowledge and awareness.
In this blog, we'll explore the tell-tale signs of narcissism, offering you the tools you need to spot these people before you get too involved with them. Having experienced being involved with a narcissist myself, my hope is to raise awareness about the importance of recognizing narcissism in the dating world. This knowledge will empower you to make healthier, more informed choices when dating or looking for love.
WHAT IS NARCISSISTIC ABUSE?
Narcissistic abuse is a form of manipulation and emotional abuse. It can involve many toxic behaviors including gaslighting, emotional abuse, control, isolation, invasion of privacy and abusing other boundaries. It can be difficult to spot that you’re being abused until you’re well and truly in the midst of it. An analogy often used to describe narcissistic abuse is that of a frog in boiling water. If you dropped the frog straight into the hot pan of water it would certainly notice and jump straight out. However, if you put the frog into a pan of tepid water and slowly increase the heat, the frog will stay there.
THE CYCLE OF NARCISSISTIC ABUSE
The first stage of this type of manipulation is often love-bombing. Be very wary if your new partner is charming, charismatic, seems to like all the same things you do and tries to move very quickly into a full-blown relationship. Take everything at your own pace and be watchful. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is!
A typical cycle of narcissistic abuse typically starts with the love-bombing and often also moves to gas-lighting, blame-shifting (they do something wrong and then blame you or accuse you of exactly what they did!), isolating you from others in your life and withholding love or attention when you don’t do what they want you to do.
WHAT CAUSES NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER (NPD)
Generally people with narcissistic traits will have experienced a negative impact from childhood. Either parents or caregivers excessively built them up to believe they are special and unique and superior to others. Or they may have suffered neglect, trauma or abuse causing them to have very low self-esteem inwardly. Because of this they may turn the criticism onto others to make themselves feel better.
OVERT OR COVERT NARCISSISTS
Narcissists can be either covert or overt, the main difference is that an overt narcissistic person will appear to be more confident, flamboyant and extroverted. The covert type will be less outwardly confident and will prefer to stay out of the limelight. But both covert and overt narcissists tend to want to exploit and control others and both can be equally selfish, self-entitled and manipulative, although the covert type will be harder to spot in the room!
HOW TO SPOT A NARCISSIST WHEN DATING OR IN A NEW RELATIONSHIP
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is now a diagnosable personality disorder, characterized as someone who has an inflated sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy for others and who often has troubled relationships.
Look out for these characteristics as they are signs of narcissism. People with narcissist tendencies:
Believe they are superior to others
Have a lack of empathy for others, may talk badly about others: “My ex was an idiot.” etc
Can be very manipulative in order to get their own way and throw tantrums or get abusive if their tactics don’t work
Have a sense of entitlement
In the first stages of dating can present as extremely charismatic, charming and caring
Narcissists often do not have many friends of their own
Play the victim, always blaming others for their situation (claiming their ex is crazy or nasty for example)
Have very black or white thinking, it’s their way or the highway
May try to become ‘everything’ to you very early in the relationship (this is in order to isolate and manipulate later in order to get their own way)
Pay you excessive compliments at first and may compare you to others favourably. They may say things like: “I’ve never met anyone as amazing as you. My ex was no way as perfect for me as you are.”
May be overly interested in your past experiences (particularly negative relationships or situations), this information may be used against you later
Twisting facts when they behave badly and blaming others. Instead of saying sorry for their actions, they may say: “You’re being overly sensitive!” or “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
RELATIONSHIPS WITH A NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY TYPE PARTNER
If you suspect you may be dating a narcissistic person my advice would be to create a bit of space and take your time getting to know them, do not jump straight in to a full-blown relationship quickly!
Keep contact and confide in friends or family members that you trust and do not allow yourself to become isolated! If you notice that love bombing is taking place be wary!
If you start to experience any manipulation and/or abuse get out as soon as you can. These people rarely change and it's often because they actually can’t admit that there is anything wrong with them.
If you need any support there is some great information here.
What Can Cause Anxiety?
We need a certain amount of healthy stress in our lives but when this is prolonged or excessive it can become harmful. In the same way, feeling a bit anxious at times is also normal. But excessive anxiety is when you feel really worried or stressed and this affects you negatively and stops you from living and enjoying life to the full!
Anxiety can be linked to certain situations that are triggering such as work or social events. Or it can happen when you're going through a tough time or have to do something that makes you nervous, like speaking in public or taking tests.
Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) is a condition where a person feels excessive worry and fear about various aspects of their life, even when there is no immediate threat or reason to be anxious.
What are the Signs of Anxiety?
Anxiety can make you avoid things you might enjoy, like going out with friends or trying new things.It can limit you in career, relationships and your general sense of happiness. It can also make you procrastinate, worry too much, and even feel sick with symptoms like a queasy stomach, trouble sleeping, or neck and shoulder pain.
People with GAD often find it hard to control their worrying and may experience physical symptoms like restlessness, muscle tension, and difficulty concentrating. This anxiety can interfere with daily activities and lead to a constant sense of unease.
How Can We Help Reduce Anxiety?
In my work, I use a technique called Rapid Transformational Therapy (RTT) to figure out why my clients feel anxious now. Even though anxiety is cropping up now, it's usually linked to things that happened when you were younger (often during childhood). By understanding the root and reasons behind the anxiety, my clients can start to let go of it and feel better, calmer and more confident.
I also teach my clients some simple things they can do in their daily lives to feel less anxious. Three of these tricks are "bottom-up" techniques, which help your body relax first, and that can make your mind feel better too.·
What Does it Mean to Teat Anxiety from the 'Bottom-Up'?
When we talk about "bottom-up" solutions for dealing with anxiety, we're talking about ways to help yourself feel better by starting with your body and senses. These methods, like taking slow deep breaths, relaxing your muscles, practicing mindfulness, or using techniques that help you feel connected to your surroundings, are all part of these bottom-up solutions. They work by calming your body first, which can then make your anxious thoughts and feelings become less intense. It's like calming the storm in your body to make your mind feel better. This is different from "top-down" approaches, which focus more on changing how you think and feel directly. Both approaches can be helpful for managing anxiety, and they often work best when used together.
Here Are Three Lifestyle Tips for Relieving Anxiety
* Breathe: It sounds obvious but many of us are not breathing properly and therefore we are not utilizing our best tool to settle the nervous system and create more calm in the mind and body. A simple tool to use is the 7-11 breath. This can help you reduce stress in a relatively short time and in the moment, plus if you do it regularly, you will feel calmer generally. How to do it: Simply breathe in through the nostrils for a count of 7 and exhale through the nose or mouth for the count of 11.
Some tips to get the most of this technique:
Make sure you’re doing deep ‘diaphragmatic breathing’ rather than shallower lung breathing. This means breathing as deep down into your stomach as you can. Your diaphragm should be moving down and pushing your stomach when you take a breath. If you find it difficult to breathe for the full 7 and 11, then you can reduce it to a 3-5 count. Just make sure that the out-breath is longer than the in-breath. Practice this technique for 5-10 minutes, as often as you want to.
* Walk: The continual movement, fresh air and change of environment of getting out and taking a walk can really help to elevate positive thoughts and to change your mindset to a more helpful state of being. Try to walk daily and for at least 20 minutes. As you walk be mindful of your feet making contact with the ground. Relax and notice the sights and sounds that are around you. Swing your arms gently as you walk and rotate your shoulders from time to time, to loosen any tension that may be stuck there. You can listen to some of your favourite music or even an audio book or podcast if you like. I can’t tell you enough how much walking can alleviate stress and improve your mood. It’s such a simple solution really!
* Liquids: What you put in your body in the form of fluids is super-important. The first things I advise my clients to reduce are caffeine and alcohol. There is scientific evidence that both these stimulants can alter the brain’s chemistry and both are linked to possible increases in anxiety symptoms. Sugary drinks should also be avoided as they can cause highs and lows in the blood sugar levels which can alter the mood and cause an imbalance in the body. Instead of caffeine, alcohol or fizzy, sugary drinks, drink plenty of water and try chamomile tea which has calming effects on the body and mind. If you’re like me and you’re a real coffee fan just try to reduce your intake to 1-2 small cups per day. (Some of my clients are drinking a lot more than that and that’s when they start to feel jittery, shaky, heart beating quickly etc).
Thanks for reading and I hope these tips help you or someone who is struggling at the moment. Please do reach out if you want more support and help with anxiety. Hypnotherapy & RTT can be simple and effective solutions to help you cope and overcome these periods in your life.
