Relationships aren't always easy!
Relationships can be joyful and loving, but at the same time they can push our buttons and make us feel upset or angry at times. Figuring out why you get upset in a relationship is really important for personal growth, healing and for fixing problems within the relationship.
This is where knowing your triggers comes in. In this blog, we'll talk about why knowing your triggers in a relationship can help you grow personally and make relationships and life in general easier.
Self-Awareness
Understanding yourself is the first step to becoming a better partner in a relationship and also feeling more compassion with yourself and others.. When you know your triggers, it's like knowing why you feel the way you do. It's like turning on a light in your mind and seeing why certain things bother you.
Stop Unnecessary Fights
When you know your triggers, you can stop fights and problems that don't need to happen. If you tell your partner what upsets you, they can be more careful. This makes your relationship much more harmonious.
Take Control of Your Feelings
Knowing your triggers means you can control your feelings better. Instead of blaming your partner for how you feel, you can say, "I get upset because of this," and then you can both understand why you feel that way.
Reacting Better
Sometimes, when things upset us, we react quickly without thinking. But if you know your triggers, you can stop and think before you react. This makes your relationship healthier.
Healing Old Hurts
Some triggers come from old problems or bad things that happened in the past. When you know your triggers, you can work on healing those old ‘wounds’. This helps you feel better and makes your relationship stronger.
Make Your Relationship Stronger
Knowing your triggers doesn't just help you—it helps your relationship too. When both you and your partner know what upsets each other, you can work together to make things more balanced and kind. You become a team, and that makes your relationship safer and closer.
In a relationship, knowing your triggers is like having a map to find your way. It helps you control your feelings, communicate clearly with your partner, and become a better person. When you understand why you get upset, you can make your relationship a place where you both grow and become happier. So, start learning about your triggers, and watch your relationship become a source of love, support, and personal growth.
Here are three tips for dealing with triggers once you know them:
Practice Self-Awareness and Mindfulness:
Pay close attention to your feelings and reactions when you have an emotional response. Take a moment to pause and identify what is causing your feelings.
Use mindfulness techniques, such as deep breathing or meditation, to stay present in the moment and prevent yourself from reacting impulsively.
Communication is Key:
Talk openly with your partner about your triggers. Share what you've learned about yourself and why certain things upset you.
Encourage your partner to do the same, so you both understand each other's triggers and can work together to avoid unnecessary conflicts.
Develop Coping Strategies:
Once you've identified your triggers, work on strategies to cope with them in healthier ways. For example, if criticism triggers you, practice self-compassion and remind yourself of your worth.
You may want to consider seeking professional help or therapy to learn more effective coping mechanisms and to address any deeper emotional wounds associated with your triggers.
Remember that dealing with triggers is an ongoing process. It takes time and effort to change your reactions and behaviors. Be patient with yourself and your partner as you work together to create this loving balance within your relationship.
Becoming super self-aware is one of the areas we work through inside the Healthy Relationship Formula! This is my signature program that helps women heal their past and cultivate the right energy and mindset to thrive in a relationship whilst maintaining a strong sense of self, healthy boundaries and an open heart.
I am enrolling for this 8 week program now, so if you would like some support with making your love life happier and healthier and attracting a loving partner, have a read here for more info!
What is jealousy?
You may have had these feelings yourself or been at the other end of a partner’s jealous reactions in the past. I like this quote by Maya Angelou, as it’s true that some level of jealousy is normal in relationships but excessive jealousy can be really detrimental:
"Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening."
If you’ve experienced excessive jealousy, you will know how destructive this emotion can be. This is why it is described in the play of Othello as the ‘green-eyed monster’ that threatens to drive him mad!
Jealousy is a complex and often challenging emotion that can strain even the strongest of relationships. It can arise from insecurities, past experiences, or feelings of inadequacy. Left unchecked, jealousy can lead to mistrust, arguments, and ultimately, the deterioration of a loving partnership.
Because I have a passion for helping my clients with their relationships, jealousy and being negatively triggered with a partner often comes up. People seek my help with this because they are often unable to tackle it themselves and they can feel it’s damaging effects. I love to help individuals and couples manage and overcome jealousy, because this can save many otherwise loving relationships.
The main technique I use is the powerful Rapid Transformational Therapy (RTT). This is a therapeutic technique that delves deep into the root causes of jealousy to promote healing and growth. RTT can be a really valuable tool in addressing jealousy within relationships.
Understanding Jealousy
Before I explain how RTT can help with overcoming jealousy, it's essential to understand what causes it. This emotion and reaction often emerges from a fear of losing something precious – be it a partner's love, trust, or attention. It can manifest as suspicion, insecurity, or possessiveness and may be triggered by real or perceived threats.
Perhaps a previous partner cheated and you are afraid that this will happen again with a current partner. Or maybe your other-half does flirt with others or has actually been unfaithful before and you’re trying to forgive and forget but it’s so hard. Maybe you have witnessed infidelity in your parent’s relationship and you are projecting this fear, mistrust and jealousy onto others in your adult life.
How does RTT help?
RTT, developed by renowned therapist Marisa Peer, is a groundbreaking approach that combines elements of hypnotherapy, cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), neuro-linguistic programming (NLP), and psychotherapy. RTT aims to identify and address the deep-seated beliefs and emotions that drive behaviors, including jealousy. Here's how RTT can help with jealousy in relationships:
1. Identifying the Root Causes: RTT helps people explore their subconscious mind to uncover the root causes of jealousy. These may be linked to past experiences, childhood trauma, or negative beliefs about self-worth or relationships. By identifying these origins, we gain insight into why we feel jealous and begin the process of healing.
2. Reframing Negative Beliefs: One of the core principles of RTT is reframing negative beliefs. I use hypnotherapy and guided visualization to replace destructive thought patterns with positive and empowering ones. For example, clients who are struggling with feelings of inadequacy can learn to see themselves as worthy and lovable.
3. Boosting Self-Esteem: Low self-esteem is often a driving force behind jealousy. RTT helps build self-confidence and self-assurance. As we begin to value ourselves more, we become less dependent on external validation, reducing the need for jealousy.
4. Enhancing Communication Skills: Jealousy often arises from miscommunication or misunderstandings between partners. RTT can improve communication skills, allowing us to express our feelings and concerns more effectively. This fosters trust and understanding within the relationship.
5. Emotional Regulation: RTT equips people with tools to manage their emotions better. This helps prevent jealousy from escalating into destructive behaviors and allows for more rational and constructive responses to triggers.
6. Creating Healthy Boundaries: RTT can also help clients with establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries within the relationship. This ensures that both partners feel respected and secure.
Change is possible!
Jealousy can be a destructive force in relationships, but it doesn't have to be insurmountable. Rapid Transformational Therapy offers a holistic approach to addressing jealousy by delving deep into its root causes and promoting healing and personal growth. Through RTT, we can gain a better understanding of ourselves, improve self-esteem, and develop healthier communication and coping mechanisms. With the right support and therapeutic techniques like RTT, we can learn to manage and ultimately overcome jealousy, fostering healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
RTT can be effective on its own and is also one of the foundations of my Healthy Relationship Formula Program, helping women to move far away from toxic relationships attract and thrive in a healthy and loving relationship.
For more information about this powerful program click here!
And read more about RTT here!
WHAT IS THE MOTHER WOUND?
We tend to think of our ‘first love’ as that teenage crush we had on that handsome boy at school, but truthfully the first real love we have is with our mother. It is this first important relationship that influences how we connect and love others and how we find a sense of safety and security in ourselves and the world.
The term the mother wound is the name we give to generational pain inherited and passed down between grandmothers, mothers, and daughters caused by living in a patriarchal culture that’s been and often still is largely oppressive toward women. The term can also be describing a difficult, abusive or neglectful relationship between a child and their mother growing up and the negative impact this lack of adequate attachment and love has on the child. This impact can still affect us into adulthood.
WHAT CAN BE THE CAUSE OF A MOTHER WOUND?
Often women have grown up with a deep-rooted belief of being ‘less-than’ and having to internalize their needs, emotions and be quiet, good, put other’s needs before their own in order to be loved, approved of and accepted. These feelings, beliefs and coping mechanisms can cause women to ‘shrink’ themselves and conform to being the ‘good girl’, accommodating, tolerating and caring for others first whilst devaluing and neglecting themselves, in order to be accepted in the family system.
THE TRAUMA OF THE UNHEALED MOTHER WOUND IS A BURDEN THAT CAN BE PASSED ON FROM MOTHER TO DAUGHTER
These negative messages are often internalized and not spoken about as females, as we learn from our mother’s behaviours and obediently take them on in order to get approval and love from our mothers and others in the family or wider circle.
SOME REASONS SHE MAY NOT HAVE BEEN TUNED IN TO YOUR NEEDS
As daughters we also often absorb our mother’s limiting beliefs, coping mechanisms and trauma and these may influence our lives in negative ways without us really being fully aware of this. We can be at the other end of our mother’s sadness, hurt, frustration, fear and sometimes resentment and rage.
She may have internalized and denied her own needs and these emotions can be buried but will emerge in different ways. She may be struggling with addictions, abuse, toxic relationships, stress, anxiety and depression and unable to ask for support. She may feel she has no choice, but to ‘get on with it’ and appear to be strong. She may also have developed dysfunctional coping mechanisms to deal with her own emotional pain, that’s not been acknowledged and processed.
These things can negatively impact how mothers parent us as daughters, sometimes causing neglect, abuse or causing her to not be connected or tuned into her daughter’s needs. Difficulties between girls and their mothers are widespread but often not talked about openly. The fact that we don’t discuss this dynamic is how it remains quite rampant and often destructive.
WHY IS THE MOTHER WOUND SO DIFFICULT FOR US TO DEAL WITH?
The human brain is wired to need loving connection and avoid rejection and this is the most important thing to a baby or young child as we rely on our parents or care givers to survive. This is why it can be so distressing for a child to experience a lack of proper connection or not getting their needs met in their early years. A lack of healthy attachment in the forms of attention, love, encouragement, understanding and empathy can cause a traumatic wound that continues to affect us as we grow up.
SOME TYPICAL SYMPTOMS & SIGNS THAT YOU MAY HAVE EXPERIENCED THE MOTHER WOUND WITHIN THE RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR MUM:
If you had a challenging, difficult or turbulent relationship with your mother or experienced a lack of connection and love with her when you were growing up and you also identify with any of the following, there may be some healing for you to do around the mother wound. Do you or have you experienced:
A lack of boundaries and an inability to say “no’ in certain situations with people.
A fear of failure due to a fear of being judged or disapproved of.
A fear of success and fulfilment, again due to a fear of being judged, disapproved of and a guilt attached to wanting more out of life. Particularly if your mum isn’t fulfilled and successful or happy in her own life.
Unconsciously waiting for your mother to approve fully of your choices and decisions or to approve of you achieving your full potential.
Unconsciously believing that you need to conform, to be ‘good’ or smaller, quieter or dull your shine, in order to be accepted and loved.
People-pleasing &/or emotional care-taking of others, to your detriment causing exhaustion and resentment.
Negatively comparing yourself to other women.
Emotional and comfort eating, eating disorders
Addictions.
Poor mental health; anxiety &/or depression.
Self-criticism. Never feeling good enough, no matter what you achieve yourself or do for others.
A deep unconscious feeling of shame or belief that something is wrong with you, you just not sure why you feel that way.
Feeling pressure to conform to rigid expectations of womanhood, having to put others before yourself, do much more in the household, hold everything together at the expense of your own needs.
Suppressing your feelings and burying your needs, perhaps believing they are not important or don’t matter.
You can heal from the mother wound and it all start with awareness. These are the steps to take to start to resolve and let go of this childhood wound and be able to move on with peace:
1) Awareness:
Recognize childhood wounds, especially related to your mother's actions.
Acknowledge impact on your life and relationships.
Identify unhelpful patterns and limiting beliefs.
2) Mourning/Grieving:
Feel and process emotional pain from unmet childhood needs.
Allow anger, sadness, and grief to be processed and released.
Healing and acceptance follow emotional processing.
3) Really Recognize That it Was Never Your Fault:
Understand your mother's actions were not a reflection of you.
Internalize that you are lovable and enough as you are.
Separate your worth from past experiences.
4) Learn About Your Mother:
Explore your mother's upbringing and hardships.
Understand generational trauma or mother wound influences.
Grasp potential factors impacting her parenting skills.
5) Forgiveness/Acceptance:
Gradual process of letting go and forgiving.
Acceptance when forgiveness is challenging, especially in cases of abuse.
Empowerment through acknowledging past but focusing on growth.
6) Self-Love and Reparenting:
Reparenting: Providing yourself what you lacked as a child.
Offer love, respect, and care to your wounded inner child.
Shift focus from seeking these needs externally to nurturing yourself.
The good news is that you can heal. You may need some support and if so please do reach out to myself or another therapist who can help you to process and heal from any parental wounds.
