What is jealousy?
You may have had these feelings yourself or been at the other end of a partner’s jealous reactions in the past. I like this quote by Maya Angelou, as it’s true that some level of jealousy is normal in relationships but excessive jealousy can be really detrimental:
"Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening."
If you’ve experienced excessive jealousy, you will know how destructive this emotion can be. This is why it is described in the play of Othello as the ‘green-eyed monster’ that threatens to drive him mad!
Jealousy is a complex and often challenging emotion that can strain even the strongest of relationships. It can arise from insecurities, past experiences, or feelings of inadequacy. Left unchecked, jealousy can lead to mistrust, arguments, and ultimately, the deterioration of a loving partnership.
Because I have a passion for helping my clients with their relationships, jealousy and being negatively triggered with a partner often comes up. People seek my help with this because they are often unable to tackle it themselves and they can feel it’s damaging effects. I love to help individuals and couples manage and overcome jealousy, because this can save many otherwise loving relationships.
The main technique I use is the powerful Rapid Transformational Therapy (RTT). This is a therapeutic technique that delves deep into the root causes of jealousy to promote healing and growth. RTT can be a really valuable tool in addressing jealousy within relationships.
Understanding Jealousy
Before I explain how RTT can help with overcoming jealousy, it's essential to understand what causes it. This emotion and reaction often emerges from a fear of losing something precious – be it a partner's love, trust, or attention. It can manifest as suspicion, insecurity, or possessiveness and may be triggered by real or perceived threats.
Perhaps a previous partner cheated and you are afraid that this will happen again with a current partner. Or maybe your other-half does flirt with others or has actually been unfaithful before and you’re trying to forgive and forget but it’s so hard. Maybe you have witnessed infidelity in your parent’s relationship and you are projecting this fear, mistrust and jealousy onto others in your adult life.
How does RTT help?
RTT, developed by renowned therapist Marisa Peer, is a groundbreaking approach that combines elements of hypnotherapy, cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), neuro-linguistic programming (NLP), and psychotherapy. RTT aims to identify and address the deep-seated beliefs and emotions that drive behaviors, including jealousy. Here's how RTT can help with jealousy in relationships:
1. Identifying the Root Causes: RTT helps people explore their subconscious mind to uncover the root causes of jealousy. These may be linked to past experiences, childhood trauma, or negative beliefs about self-worth or relationships. By identifying these origins, we gain insight into why we feel jealous and begin the process of healing.
2. Reframing Negative Beliefs: One of the core principles of RTT is reframing negative beliefs. I use hypnotherapy and guided visualization to replace destructive thought patterns with positive and empowering ones. For example, clients who are struggling with feelings of inadequacy can learn to see themselves as worthy and lovable.
3. Boosting Self-Esteem: Low self-esteem is often a driving force behind jealousy. RTT helps build self-confidence and self-assurance. As we begin to value ourselves more, we become less dependent on external validation, reducing the need for jealousy.
4. Enhancing Communication Skills: Jealousy often arises from miscommunication or misunderstandings between partners. RTT can improve communication skills, allowing us to express our feelings and concerns more effectively. This fosters trust and understanding within the relationship.
5. Emotional Regulation: RTT equips people with tools to manage their emotions better. This helps prevent jealousy from escalating into destructive behaviors and allows for more rational and constructive responses to triggers.
6. Creating Healthy Boundaries: RTT can also help clients with establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries within the relationship. This ensures that both partners feel respected and secure.
Change is possible!
Jealousy can be a destructive force in relationships, but it doesn't have to be insurmountable. Rapid Transformational Therapy offers a holistic approach to addressing jealousy by delving deep into its root causes and promoting healing and personal growth. Through RTT, we can gain a better understanding of ourselves, improve self-esteem, and develop healthier communication and coping mechanisms. With the right support and therapeutic techniques like RTT, we can learn to manage and ultimately overcome jealousy, fostering healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
RTT can be effective on its own and is also one of the foundations of my Healthy Relationship Formula Program, helping women to move far away from toxic relationships attract and thrive in a healthy and loving relationship.
For more information about this powerful program click here!
And read more about RTT here!
WHAT IS THE MOTHER WOUND?
We tend to think of our ‘first love’ as that teenage crush we had on that handsome boy at school, but truthfully the first real love we have is with our mother. It is this first important relationship that influences how we connect and love others and how we find a sense of safety and security in ourselves and the world.
The term the mother wound is the name we give to generational pain inherited and passed down between grandmothers, mothers, and daughters caused by living in a patriarchal culture that’s been and often still is largely oppressive toward women. The term can also be describing a difficult, abusive or neglectful relationship between a child and their mother growing up and the negative impact this lack of adequate attachment and love has on the child. This impact can still affect us into adulthood.
WHAT CAN BE THE CAUSE OF A MOTHER WOUND?
Often women have grown up with a deep-rooted belief of being ‘less-than’ and having to internalize their needs, emotions and be quiet, good, put other’s needs before their own in order to be loved, approved of and accepted. These feelings, beliefs and coping mechanisms can cause women to ‘shrink’ themselves and conform to being the ‘good girl’, accommodating, tolerating and caring for others first whilst devaluing and neglecting themselves, in order to be accepted in the family system.
THE TRAUMA OF THE UNHEALED MOTHER WOUND IS A BURDEN THAT CAN BE PASSED ON FROM MOTHER TO DAUGHTER
These negative messages are often internalized and not spoken about as females, as we learn from our mother’s behaviours and obediently take them on in order to get approval and love from our mothers and others in the family or wider circle.
SOME REASONS SHE MAY NOT HAVE BEEN TUNED IN TO YOUR NEEDS
As daughters we also often absorb our mother’s limiting beliefs, coping mechanisms and trauma and these may influence our lives in negative ways without us really being fully aware of this. We can be at the other end of our mother’s sadness, hurt, frustration, fear and sometimes resentment and rage.
She may have internalized and denied her own needs and these emotions can be buried but will emerge in different ways. She may be struggling with addictions, abuse, toxic relationships, stress, anxiety and depression and unable to ask for support. She may feel she has no choice, but to ‘get on with it’ and appear to be strong. She may also have developed dysfunctional coping mechanisms to deal with her own emotional pain, that’s not been acknowledged and processed.
These things can negatively impact how mothers parent us as daughters, sometimes causing neglect, abuse or causing her to not be connected or tuned into her daughter’s needs. Difficulties between girls and their mothers are widespread but often not talked about openly. The fact that we don’t discuss this dynamic is how it remains quite rampant and often destructive.
WHY IS THE MOTHER WOUND SO DIFFICULT FOR US TO DEAL WITH?
The human brain is wired to need loving connection and avoid rejection and this is the most important thing to a baby or young child as we rely on our parents or care givers to survive. This is why it can be so distressing for a child to experience a lack of proper connection or not getting their needs met in their early years. A lack of healthy attachment in the forms of attention, love, encouragement, understanding and empathy can cause a traumatic wound that continues to affect us as we grow up.
SOME TYPICAL SYMPTOMS & SIGNS THAT YOU MAY HAVE EXPERIENCED THE MOTHER WOUND WITHIN THE RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR MUM:
If you had a challenging, difficult or turbulent relationship with your mother or experienced a lack of connection and love with her when you were growing up and you also identify with any of the following, there may be some healing for you to do around the mother wound. Do you or have you experienced:
A lack of boundaries and an inability to say “no’ in certain situations with people.
A fear of failure due to a fear of being judged or disapproved of.
A fear of success and fulfilment, again due to a fear of being judged, disapproved of and a guilt attached to wanting more out of life. Particularly if your mum isn’t fulfilled and successful or happy in her own life.
Unconsciously waiting for your mother to approve fully of your choices and decisions or to approve of you achieving your full potential.
Unconsciously believing that you need to conform, to be ‘good’ or smaller, quieter or dull your shine, in order to be accepted and loved.
People-pleasing &/or emotional care-taking of others, to your detriment causing exhaustion and resentment.
Negatively comparing yourself to other women.
Emotional and comfort eating, eating disorders
Addictions.
Poor mental health; anxiety &/or depression.
Self-criticism. Never feeling good enough, no matter what you achieve yourself or do for others.
A deep unconscious feeling of shame or belief that something is wrong with you, you just not sure why you feel that way.
Feeling pressure to conform to rigid expectations of womanhood, having to put others before yourself, do much more in the household, hold everything together at the expense of your own needs.
Suppressing your feelings and burying your needs, perhaps believing they are not important or don’t matter.
You can heal from the mother wound and it all start with awareness. These are the steps to take to start to resolve and let go of this childhood wound and be able to move on with peace:
1) Awareness:
Recognize childhood wounds, especially related to your mother's actions.
Acknowledge impact on your life and relationships.
Identify unhelpful patterns and limiting beliefs.
2) Mourning/Grieving:
Feel and process emotional pain from unmet childhood needs.
Allow anger, sadness, and grief to be processed and released.
Healing and acceptance follow emotional processing.
3) Really Recognize That it Was Never Your Fault:
Understand your mother's actions were not a reflection of you.
Internalize that you are lovable and enough as you are.
Separate your worth from past experiences.
4) Learn About Your Mother:
Explore your mother's upbringing and hardships.
Understand generational trauma or mother wound influences.
Grasp potential factors impacting her parenting skills.
5) Forgiveness/Acceptance:
Gradual process of letting go and forgiving.
Acceptance when forgiveness is challenging, especially in cases of abuse.
Empowerment through acknowledging past but focusing on growth.
6) Self-Love and Reparenting:
Reparenting: Providing yourself what you lacked as a child.
Offer love, respect, and care to your wounded inner child.
Shift focus from seeking these needs externally to nurturing yourself.
The good news is that you can heal. You may need some support and if so please do reach out to myself or another therapist who can help you to process and heal from any parental wounds.
There’s no doubt about it, attachment styles play a pivotal role in shaping the way we relate to others and the quality of our relationships. By understanding our own primary attachment style, we can gain more insight into our emotional responses and behaviors. Especially the ones that impact the health, fulfilment and success of our romantic relationships!
But What are Attachment Styles?
Attachment styles are patterns of emotional responses and behaviors that develop in childhood and persist into adulthood. These styles are influenced by early experiences with caregivers and how we experienced connection and love, or a lack of these as children. These early impressions shape our expectations, reactions, and interactions in relationships into adulthood (often without us being really aware of it consciously). The concept of Attachment Theory was first introduced by psychologist John Bowlby and later expanded upon by Mary Ainsworth through her research on the "Strange Situation" study.
Explaining the Four Attachment Styles
1. Secure Attachment: The Foundation of Trust: Imagine a solid foundation upon which a house is built – that's the essence of secure attachment. People with this style are comfortable with intimacy, independence, and vulnerability. They trust their partners and believe in effective communication. Securely attached individuals possess the ability to manage conflicts and seek comfort from their partners when needed. Their relationships are characterized by a healthy balance between closeness and personal space.
2. Anxious Preoccupied Attachment: Seeking Reassurance: Picture a sailboat navigating uncharted waters, sometimes tossed by turbulent waves. Anxiously attached individuals crave emotional closeness and reassurance from their partners. They can be prone to worry about abandonment and are often anxious causing them to be ‘clingy or needy’ in relationships. While their relationships can be intense and passionate, they can also feel like an emotional rollercoaster due to their fear of rejection.
3. Avoidant Dismissive Attachment: The Need for Independence: Visualize a bird in flight, soaring through the open sky. Avoidantly attached people tend to prioritize independence and self-sufficiency. They may appear distant or dismissive of emotional intimacy, often suppressing their own needs. If you’re avoidant you may find it challenging to open up fully and might struggle with commitment. While you value autonomy, your relationships can suffer from a lack of emotional depth and a difficulty being vulnerable with a partner.
4. Fearful Avoidant Attachment: A Pendulum of Emotions: Think of a pendulum, swinging back and forth between desire and fear. Fearfully attached people can experience conflicting emotions – they desire closeness but also fear it. This attachment style can come from unresolved traumas or past hurts that impact the person’s ability to trust and connect. It can be the result of a lack of safety and support in relationships from early life. Adult relationships with a fearful avoidant person can be tumultuous and confusing, marked by a push-pull dynamic as they grapple with their inner conflicts.
How do the attachment styles affect relationships?
Attachment styles significantly influence the dynamics of our relationships. Securely attached individuals tend to enjoy fulfilling partnerships, while the anxiously attached might struggle with jealousy and over-dependency. If you feel you are more avoidantly attached, you could have difficulty with emotional intimacy, leading to potential communication breakdowns. Fearfully attached individuals might find it challenging to strike a balance between their desires and fears, leading to unpredictable relationship patterns.
Nurturing Healthy Attachment
Understanding your attachment style is a crucial step towards building healthier relationships. If you identify with an anxious or avoidant style, know that change is possible with self-awareness and effort. It is possible to move from one of the insecure attachment styles to a secure one by the following steps:
1. Self-Reflection: Explore your past to understand the roots of your attachment style. Identifying triggers and patterns can lead to personal growth. 2. Effective Communication: Secure attachment is fostered through open and honest dialogue. Practice active listening and expressing your feelings and needs clearly. 3. Emotional Regulation: Develop healthy coping mechanisms to manage stress and anxiety, reducing the impact of attachment-related triggers. 4. Seek Professional Help: If you need some support, therapists specializing in attachment issues can provide valuable guidance and tools for improving your attachment style.
Attachment styles are the emotional blueprints that guide our connections with others and can underpin our beliefs about relationships too. Understanding your attachment style is a great first step towards growth, healing, self-acceptance and love. And by gaining awareness and understanding, through looking at our past experiences, we can pave the way for healthier and more fulfilling relationships in the future.
