WHAT IS THE FATHER WOUND?
The term the father wound is used to describe the negative impact or damage that a difficult or complicated relationship or a lack of emotional support from father to child can have on them, both during childhood and adulthood. Issues can arise when a father was absent (physically or emotionally) or was over controlling, critical or abusive towards you when growing up.
The early connections with our parents or care givers shape the way we view ourselves and relationships. Healthy attachment with these first and all-important relationships are essential for our emotional wellbeing and development. The connection, love and support from a father tends to affect our self-esteem, confidence and sense of safety and security in ourselves and the world.
The human brain is wired to need loving connection and avoid rejection and this is the most important thing to a baby or young child as we rely on our parents or care givers to survive. This is why it can be so distressing for a child to experience a lack of proper connection or not getting their needs met in their early years. A lack of healthy attachment in the forms of attention, love, encouragement, understanding and empathy can cause a traumatic wound that continues to affect us as we grow up.
The father wound can be damaging to both daughters and sons but here we will look at the impact that a father wound can have on women.
SOME SYMPTOMS OF THE FATHER WOUND IN WOMEN
Here are some of the affects of a father wound in women:
SENSE OF SELF: A deep lack of self-esteem, self-worth and value. A lack of unconditional love and acceptance from a father who is either absent, neglectful, critical or abusive can cause us to feel less than, that we’re not important or that we don’t matter. We may internalize our father’s lack of care and love as being our own fault, believing we’re simply not loveable or worthy enough. This can knock our sense of security in who we are and our place in the world.
BOUNDARIES: A lack of boundaries allowing others to take advantage or treat you badly, not feeling confident to speak up for yourself, because you’ve never been taught to do so or shown that you are totally worthy of being respected. Or boundaries that are too rigid meaning that you don’t trust or let others get close to you and you don’t feel safe being vulnerable with a partner, in case you get hurt or disappointed.
FEAR OF ABANDONMENT AND REJECTION: Because of the experience of rejection or not being fully accepted by your own father, the subconscious mind develops a limiting belief that this will play out in your adult relationships and life in general. We may feel insecure, clingy or fearful in relationships and take rejection very personally.
LACK OF TRUST: if you’ve been let down by your father you can develop a mistrust in others and in your own ability to achieve what you want and desire in life.
POOR MENTAL HEALTH: The father wound is linked to adult mental health problems such as anxiety and depression.
ANGER: You may feel triggered in relationships and interactions with others and find yourself snapping or exploding easily. Underneath anger is nearly always hurt which has been unresolved, acknowledged and released.
PERFECTIONISM: If your father was overly critical of you or lacked interest in you, you may strive hard to achieve perfection in order to get approval from others or to feel more worthy of good things yourself
EXCESSIVE INDEPENDENCE: Because there wasn’t the love and support that you needed/wanted as a child from one of the most important people in your life, you simply don’t believe that you will get that from other people and relationships. It’s completely alien for you to ask for help or support and believe you will get it, so you tend to try and do everything yourself.
OVER ACHIEVEMENT: Being excessively driven to achieve, whether it’s in studies, career, sports or other activities. This can have positive results when you do achieve success, pass those exams, build a fantastic career &/or business or excel in sports etc, but it rarely feels enough. As soon as you achieve a goal, you’re onto the next challenge without really celebrating yourself for what you’ve achieved. This type of drive is caused by a feeling of not being enough and can cause anxiety, impostor syndrome, burnout, depression and a feeling of emptiness that you never seem to fill.
UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS: On a deep emotional and unconscious level humans tend to choose partners who remind them of their parents. If you have an emotionally absent father, you are more likely to choose an emotionally unavailable partner because this personality is familiar to you. If you had an abusive or critical father you may be drawn to these types of personalities in adult relationships. Being attracted to unfulfilling or unhealthy relationships coupled with a lack of self-esteem and confidence can result in toxic, abusive, one-sided or just unfulfilling relationships.
ADDICTIONS: Tendency to addictive behaviour such as overeating, drinking, drugs and other unhealthy habits to numb or avoid feeling uncomfortable feelings and to fill an internal sense of something missing.
EXTERNAL VALIDATION: Looking for love and approval from the wrong places, rather than from within. Seeking validation and approval from external factors like success, career advancement, appearance. Needing constant reassurance from your relationships rather than strengthening your own self-concept from self-love and self-acceptance.
HEALING FROM THE FATHER WOUND
It can be painful to acknowledge the truth about your own father wound, but the good news is you can absolutely heal and release this trauma in order to feel freer, happier and fulfilled in life. It takes a bit of courage and patience, but healing from your past in this way is totally possible and I’ve seen the life changing effects of this time and time again!
To heal from your father wound the following steps are needed:
AWARENESS: This is the first step in healing from childhood wounds. Become aware and acknowledge your father’s absence (emotionally or physically or both), or what you experienced in your childhood that you shouldn’t have had to such as; abuse, criticism or neglect. Acknowledge how this has impacted you in your life and relationships and what unhelpful patterns you developed as a result of your father wound. Gaining awareness of the limiting beliefs that you may have picked up because of your experiences and acknowledging that they are false and unhelpful will allow you to develop healthier beliefs about yourself and relationships.
MOURNING OR GRIEVING: Acknowledging and feeling the emotional pain of not having your needs met as a child will allow you to process these feelings, which may include anger, sadness and grief. Remember that emotions are not permanent and they can be processed and released, which will lead to healing and acceptance.
UNDERSTANDING IT WAS NEVER YOUR FAULT: Recognizing that none of your father’s actions were a reflection on you and weren’t your fault. The fact that you didn’t get your needs met doesn’t affect the fact that you are completely loveable and enough, exactly as you are.
LEARNING ABOUT YOUR FATHER: It can help to understand how your father may have been brought up. Did he have a difficult relationship with his parents? Was he bullied or mistreated at all in his early life or teenage years? Do you have any knowledge of generational trauma that may have been passed down from previous generations to your Dad? Do you know if he was going through difficulties such as relationship problems, mental health issues, excessive stress or addictions when you were a child? How might his own wound, being unhealed, be part of his interactions with you? Whilst these factors don’t make his actions ‘right’, knowledge of hardships your father was facing does help you to understand him and his own wounds more and why he possibly lacked the skills to parent you in a better way.
FORGIVENESS &/OR ACCEPTANCE: Letting go of past hurt and forgiving is incredibly healing and liberating and this is a process (it doesn’t happen over-night!) Sometimes forgiveness is not possible or is harder to do, especially where abuse has been involved. In these cases accepting that what happened was not good, but it is in your past was never your fault and knowing that you are so much more than your childhood wounds can be empowering and healing.
SELF-LOVE AND REPARENTING YOUR INNER CHILD: Adults can't return to their childhoods and begin again. So, basically, reparenting means giving yourself what you missed out on as a child, from your parents. Reparenting means learning to give your wounded inner child all the love, respect and dignity they deserved when you were young.
THE 5 P’S: According to Otto Kelly, former executive director of the Crisis Pregnancy Centre in Reno, USA, what we look to our fathers for are praise, provision, patience, presence and protection. Think about the ways that you can or already do provide these 5 p’s for yourself and your own inner child.
YOU CAN HEAL YOUR OWN FATHER WOUND
If you’ve identified with aspects of the above, please feel assured that you can heal your own wounds and feel better. There are some great books that can guide you through a process of healing (do reach out to me if you want some recommendations) and you may also seek support from a therapist.
IF YOU THINK YOU MAY NEED SOME HELP AND SUPPORT ON HEALING THE FATHER WOUND, SO THAT YOU CAN THRIVE IN YOUR LOVE LIFE, DO READ ON:
We work through a step-by-step process in my Healthy Relationship Formula Program to heal the father wound. The Healthy Relationship Formula is an 8 week live online program empowering and supporting single women to fully heal, love and value themselves, so that they can confidently and happily attract and thrive in a mutually respectful, loving and happy romantic relationship!
During the time together you will be supported to heal childhood wounds, gain a real sense of self-awareness, as well as experiencing freedom from old patterns and limiting beliefs about relationships and self-worth.
You will learn how to fully embrace self-love and compassion so that you can have a future healthy, happy and loving relationship with a partner and feel peaceful, totally enough and worthy of love, just as you are.
Read more about the program and how to apply here.
RELATIONSHIPS ARE NOT PERFECT!
I need to start by saying that no relationship is perfect. Relationships are hard by design! How could they not be, when you’ve got two completely different people coming together, who’ve had different life experiences and probably have contrasting views and opinions. Of course, relationships take work and require nurturing to grow and flourish.
In this blog I’ve outlined the aspects of a relationship that make it healthy, equal and give it a strong foundation to last and be happy and fulfilling. Some of these points may take more effort than others: For example, trust is earned, it may take practice to listen and communicate kindly and clearly. If you’re not used to expressing your feelings it can take some practice to cultivate emotional intimacy. If you’re used to doing everything for yourself it can feel strange to ask for support when you really need it.
Relationships require of us to be the best people we can be, for ourselves and for our partner. If we look at relationships as an opportunity to grow personally, to stretch ourselves and to love the other, we will be winning because although it takes effort the rewards are a beautiful loving connection and a fulfilling life together.
HERE ARE THE 14 TOP ESSENTIALS OF A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP
1) TRUST
The first thing that is super-important for a relationship to be healthy is that there is trust. When I talk about trust I mean that you should trust that your partner has your best interests at heart and that they will be loyal to you and honest with you and themselves too. You should also trust that you will be loyal and will be honest with yourself and your partner.
2) GIVING/ALLOWING SPACE
You know you have a healthy relationship when you give each other space to be yourselves and to pursue activities outside of the relationship as well as spending time together. When the trust is there between you, you will both be relaxed and happy to be apart at times. You may have friends that you prefer to see on your own sometimes and this is totally normal and natural. Perhaps you have passions or hobbies that you had before you got together with your partner, or even ones that you’ve started whilst you’ve been together, but your other half isn’t so interested in them. So go alone or with friends. This space is important and you maintain your separate identities, which is what attracted you in the first place. Having space also increases a strong sense of self (what I call the SSS) which is essential for a balanced partnership.
3) MAINTAINING INDIVIDUALITY
Be yourself! Keeping your separateness not just by doing your own thing but also by holding onto your own opinions, feelings and respecting that your partner probably sees things differently and this is a good thing. This means that you may disagree or argue at times, but this is healthy. Conflict is normal in a relationship, sometimes you will disagree. This is inevitable and to be honest it’s more concerning if a couple NEVER argue, as a relationship with no arguments at all is unlikely to be balanced on both sides.
4) BOUNDARIES
Knowing what your non-negotiables are and what your expectations are both of yourself and of your partner, for the greatest good of you both and the relationship. Setting the standards of how you want to be treated and demonstrating this by how you treat and care for your partner too.
5) SELF-AWARENESS AND RESPONSIBILITY FOR OUR OWN HAPPINESS
In a healthy relationship it’s crucial that we know ourselves. As well as knowing what we DO want in a relationship with a partner it’s important to be fully aware of our previous patterns, triggers and any ways that we have sabotaged relationships in the past, or allowed ourselves to be treated less well than we deserved. By having this knowledge and being honest with ourselves we can take care of our own needs ahead of time, we take responsibility for our own happiness and don’t expect our partner to do that for us.
6) SELF-LOVE
To add to the last point, it is also our own responsibility to practice self-love and self-care. We need to fill ourselves up with love first before we can give love to someone else, without feeling depleted. This is each person’s responsibility and couples with healthy boundaries understand this.
7) COMMUNICATION
In a healthy relationship both parties know that communication is essential and make a conscious effort to speak their truth, ask for what they need and learn to assert their boundaries when needed. resentment is the silent killer of many relationships and so there should be a determination that even if the conversation is hard, it shouldn’t be avoided.
8) COURAGE
I think it takes courage to have a great relationship because it’s not always easy. Having boundaries and communicating them, expressing your feelings and what you need and being vulnerable with someone, all takes courage.
9) RESPECT
Having a healthy respect and appreciation of each other is super-important for the success of a relationship. As long as you are taking care of yourself you should also respect your partner’s needs and boundaries and value them as much as your own. This doesn’t mean putting their needs before your own, but making them equally as important.
10) SUPPORT
In a healthy union between two people, you should both be able to ask for support when you need it and be prepared to give support when your partner needs it. Great relationships are cultivated when the couple feel like a team. They’re supporting each other to be the best that they can be and this benefits the relationship too. This can be practical, emotional, physical support depending on the situation.
11) COMPROMISE
There will sometimes be things you don’t want to do, maybe events you’d rather not go to or a film you know isn’t really your sort of movie. I think a sign of an equal relationship is that at times there is healthy compromise, from both sides. However, if one partner feels like they’re doing more of this then this will feel unfair.
12) COMPASSION AND SEEKING TO UNDERSTAND
You may not always agree with your partner’s views or opinions or they may make the odd mistake (and you probably will too). Perfection doesn’t exist in this world and we are all beautifully flawed people living around other beautifully flawed people. Our flaws make us unique. When mistakes are made or there is a difference of opinion or an argument, remember to have compassion for yourself and your partner. You may not always understand their views or actions but if you’re willing to try to understand, that may be enough to get back on track.
13) SPENDING QUALITY TIME
In a happy relationship a couple will enjoy spending time together and making plans for holidays, dates and sharing experiences together, building happy memories together and feeling really at ease in each other’s company. Making time to have conversations together, even if it is just a catch up at the end of the day. This includes making time to be intimate together.
14) SHARING INTIMACY
This is closeness to each other and can be physical (cuddles, kisses, holding hands, sex), emotional (letting your partner know your inner-most feelings and needs), intellectual (sharing your views and opinions) and spiritual (sharing beliefs, even if they are different). You may have different views or religions and that’s fine but perhaps you share the value of being faithful and honest and always doing your best in life.
15) SELF-ESTEEM & SECURITY
Last but definitely not least, a relationship with a caring partner should make you feel secure. It should help you build self-esteem rather than taking any self-value or self-worth away from you, or making you second guess yourself or the relationship. In a healthy equal relationship life is not a competition, you are a team and you both want what is best for yourself, the other and the relationship.
These aspects of a healthy relationship require work and may not always be there at the beginning of a relationship, but I think they are good to remember and to work towards.
What about you?
Are you fed up with NOT having a healthy relationship, perhaps you have been attracting one toxic situation after another? When you understand that some of this comes from your limiting beliefs and fears in relationships you can start to change these patterns. Do you want help to do the inner healing that will empower you to create a healthy, joyful, loving relationship with a wonderful partner?
The Healthy Relationship Formula Program will help you do just that! This is an 8 week program combining Rapid Transformational Therapy and other effective techniques including coaching and the Law of Attraction to fully support women to heal their past, develop real self-love and healthy boundaries and feel so confident so that they can create a beautiful, loving, healthy relationship with a partner.
Enrolling now for the next live course. Click here for more info and to apply!
Are you fed up of attracting the wrong people and situations into your life?
Maybe you have great hopes at the beginning of a new relationship, only to find that the same negative patterns play out again and again.
It could be that you’re attracted to emotionally unavailable people and as soon as you start to show your feelings they back off or become distant, leaving you second guessing and feeling insecure.
Maybe you seem to be attracted to partners who cheat and you wonder why this always seems to happen to you.
Or perhaps you have a history of controlling, possessive relationships and you are so anxious about dating or meeting someone new, in case you can’t extract yourself and get stuck in this cycle again.
Something to remember is that the self-awareness that you want something different is the first step to change. The fact that you are now so aware of what you DON”T want is a positive, because now you can change what happens in your future.
Follow these steps to ensure that you break these toxic cycles and start to experience more healthy and balanced relationships, with people who are ready for a relationship that is equal and loving.
1) Create some space
The first thing that I always recommend to people who are experiencing negative patterns in love, is to have some time on your own. Nurture and heal yourself, practice self-care and self-love. Have some time as a single person to really get to know what you do and don’t want for yourself, both relationship wise and in your life generally.
2) Celebrate you
The second thing that is important is to become happy as a single person, before seeking to be with someone else. I like the saying that you have to be a happy ‘me’ before being a happy ‘we’.
Write a list of all of the attributes, achievements and things you like about yourself. Read through it everyday to remind you of all of your good ‘bits’. This will pick you up if you are feeling low and boost your confidence and self-esteem too.
Being happy single means also taking some time to know and do the things that you enjoy, that you are passionate about and that feed your soul.
3) Know yourself
Look at your patterns and become really self-aware. Who is the type of person that you have been attracted to? What are the patterns that have played out in your relationships in the past. What is it that you definitely don’t want? What would your ideal relationship look like?
Start to do some writing and journaling answering these questions, so that you become really clear on the answers to these questions.
4) Be the person you want to attract
What are the attributes and qualities that you want in a partner? Do you have these same qualities?
When I teach people how to use the law of attraction to attract what they want in a relationship, the first thing I get them to do is create a list of the top 5-10 things they want in a partner. Rather than this being material things or career accomplishments etc I think it is important to focus on the personal qualities that would make us feel secure, happy and loved in a relationship.
The LOA states that like attracts like, so if you want someone who is thoughtful and kind, you have to be thoughtful and kind yourself. Once you have your list, ask yourself if you are ‘being’ the sort of person YOU want to be with? If not, how can you start to embody more of these qualities in yourself?
5) Create some boundaries
I love the quote “Good fences make good neighbours.” In a relationship, clear boundaries (even if they are just clear to ourselves), make a great partnership. You have to know what your non-negotiables are? What are you definitely NOT prepared to tolerate in a relationship?
Write these down and be very clear on these points in your own mind. Also write a list of what you do need and want in a relationship.
Once you have these lists for yourself you don’t necessarily have to express them to a potential partner (unless your boundaries are being pushed), but this self-awareness gives a feeling of calm, knowing that you are prepared to defend your boundaries if you ever need to. This allows you to have peace of mind and able to relax and enjoy being connected and the whole dating experience.
6) Take it slow
When you’re dating someone make sure you get to know them and take things at your own pace before getting intimate or making any commitments. Don’t be rushed along and keep to your own timing and pace.
This is super-important for ensuring that the relationship and the person is right for you. When you take your time you can tune into your own gut instinct, your intuition, which when you listen to it will let you know whether the relationship and person is healthy and right for you!
I hope these tips help you if you’re feeling wary of dating or are getting over a break-up or past toxic relationship! Remember you are worthy being loved properly! We’re all born worthy and you are loveable exactly as you are!
We study and implement all of these steps during my Healthy Relationship Formula Program, which helps single women confidently create healthy, joyful and loving relationships.
If you would like to know more or would like to join us on the next live course we are starting again soon and I’m taking enrolments now! Go here to book a discovery call to apply!
