- 4 min read
I used to be proud of my perfectionism, but now I realize that my tendency to want everything exactly ‘just so’ actually made me quite unhappy. It was a massive and quite recent light bulb moment for me to understand that as a perfectionist, what I was really hiding under the surface was insecurity; a feeling that I wasn’t good enough if everything I did wasn’t perfect.
“Insecurity's best cover is perfectionism. That's where it becomes an art form.”
- Beth Moore
This insecurity in disguise is the reason many books don’t get written and published, projects don’t get launched, business ideas don’t come to fruition and new skills or hobbies don’t get learnt and enjoyed. Perfectionism can really hold us back from taking action.
Being a perfectionist involves creating impossibly high standards for yourself and others and becoming disillusioned when, inevitably, these standards are not met. Striving for excellence is a good thing but perfection is not attainable, and this fact is hard for a perfectionist to accept. This means that a perfectionist is often unhappy and dissatisfied with life, noticing the things that are wrong rather than what is right!
I remember this in my previous business. Before becoming a hypnotherapist & Rapid Transformational Therapy Practitioner, I had a beauty & holistic salon for many years. I started this business from scratch and built it into a success, eventually employing fourteen people. Of course the standards of treatments and client care needed to be impeccable, but whilst striving to deliver the best I became a bit disillusioned as I felt that we didn’t always reach my unachievable expectations.
I had to check myself many, many times and train myself to look at the big picture and notice all the good things in my business rather than what I considered to be less than perfect. I remember the first beauty therapist I employed walked out on me on Christmas Eve! Her reason? I was just too difficult to please! A ‘nightmare’ I think were her actual words!! That was a big lesson for me and I learnt to ease off a bit and notice all of the good things my team were doing for the clients and their positive contributions to the business.
Since becoming a hypnotherapist and working with Rapid Transformational Therapy (RTT), I have done a lot of deep work on my beliefs around not being enough. RTT really gets to the root of an issue, which allows deep healing to happen. This has impacted me and therefore, the clients I work with in such a profound and positive way.
Because I have personal experience of suffering from perfectionism, I can really help others to see it for what it is and break free of it for good. This allows them to move forward feeling liberated, confident and happy.
Do you recognize any of these common perfectionist traits in yourself?
Are you critical of yourself and others when impossibly high standards are not met?
You find yourself thinking the worst: ‘If I’m not perfect I am worthless.’
Is your self-esteem low and you feel you have to do everything perfectly in order to be loved or accepted?
You suffer from procrastination: ‘I should not make mistakes. If I can’t do this well, even at the beginning, I’m not going to attempt it.’
Perfectionism can cause:
Chronic procrastination by avoiding doing new things in fear of making mistakes.
Wasted time by repeatedly checking over unimportant items such as the wording of low-value email responses or documents.
Depression when things don’t match up to your expectations.
Overcritical behaviour of yourself and others.
Obsession over the small details and not seeing the big picture.
“The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.”- Anna Quindlen
Ways to tackle perfectionism if it is holding you back or making you unhappy:
In the grand scheme of things in life, ask yourself if the small details in a particular case really matter.
Look at the big picture—the temptation of perfectionism is to focus on the minute details. Okay, so your partner has not done a totally perfect job of cleaning the bathroom but has done it to a fairly good standard and also washed the dishes and done some laundry too.
If you catch yourself noticing the bad aspects of something, immediately ask yourself, ‘What are the good things about this?’
Recognise that you and others are only human. Everyone makes mistakes and that doesn’t mean the world will end, or that if people are not perfect they are not loveable.
Ask yourself, ‘What is the worst thing that can happen if a task is not done perfectly?’ Then ask yourself, ‘If the worst thing did happen, would I handle it?’
Repeat your choice of the following affirmations daily to reprogram your mind to combat perfectionism.
My favourite affirmations to beat perfectionism:
• I forgive myself for my mistakes—I am human.
• My imperfections are part of me. I accept them as a necessary part of life.
• I don’t have to be perfect—just real.
• I am enough, just the way I am.
• I let go of the need to be perfect.
• I let go of perfectionism and I move on with an open heart.
• I truly love and accept myself just as I am.
• I truly love and accept others just as they are.
If you want to know more about RTT and the deep healing that can happen when you release your blocks to success go here.
Stress and anxiety seem to be reaching almost epidemic levels in our society. Here are a couple of my favourite tools to help deal with overwhelm, stress &/or anxiety. Both can be done in a matter of minutes and are simple and effective.
Reduce Anxiety with the Staircase to Relaxation Technique
This is a visualization and can alter the mindset by picturing or imagining a beautiful, relaxing, peaceful scene. Don’t worry if you feel you’re not a ‘visual’ person and you don’t get a clear picture in your mind (many of us don’t). This exercise will work in the same way, if you just get a sense or feeling that you are walking down the steps and then are in your special place.
How to do it;
Make yourself comfortable in a place you won’t be disturbed for a few minutes and close your eyes. As you breathe in and out, spend a few moments focusing on your belly rising and falling as the breath enters and leaves, without changing or forcing the breath in any way.
Now imagine that you are standing at the top of a flight of ten steps leading down to a special place of relaxation. This could be somewhere you’ve been before or just somewhere you want to imagine, but somewhere where you feel peaceful, happy and relaxed. Perhaps it’s a beautiful beach, a scene in nature, a cosy room, or it could be somewhere you imagine would be the most relaxing place you could possibly be in.
As your breathing slows down naturally, just imagine on each outbreath taking a step down your staircase, holding onto a rail if you feel you need to. As you slowly descend, count down from 10 to 1 on each outbreath, looking forward to the scene that awaits you at the bottom. With the final step imagine stepping into your relaxing place.
Use all of your senses to create as vivid a place as possible. See the colours, shapes and quality of light. Hear any sounds that add to your sense of relaxation. Notice any smells or tastes that remind you of calm. Notice how your body feels in the place, whether it is warm or cool, notice sensations like sand under your feet on the beach or a warm, soft blanket in your cosy room.
Imagine sitting down in this place for a while. As you notice the different aspects of the scene, notice the relaxation spreading through your body, perhaps from your feet to your head. Notice how your mind has also quietened.
When you are ready, you can imagine leaving your scene, drifting back up the stairs, counting back from 1 to 10 and walking back into the room. Open your eyes and have a stretch. Notice how you feel. Know that you can return to your peaceful scene whenever you need to, it’s there waiting for you in your mind.
Relieve Anxiety or Fear with the Backward Spin Tool
Anxiety and fear can be felt as a physical feeling in the body. Normally it’s a feeling of movement and usually it’s moving too fast. Often it can be a spinning feeling that keeps repeating within the body. This tool is useful for helping you to move out of a fearful or anxious state of mind and into a more positive and helpful state.
How to do it;
Locate where you feel the anxiety moving in your body and notice which way the feeling ‘spins’. You can use your hands to model the direction of the spin.
Next imagine that you can move the spin outside of your body. Imagine it still spinning in the same direction but it is now outside of you.
Once it is outside of you imagine reversing the spin in the opposite direction (and the movement of your hands if you’re using them).
Now imagine bringing this spin back into your body, rotating in the opposite direction. Notice how it feels different. Imagine adding some laughter to the spin (this starts to release ‘feel-good’ hormones in the body and changes the feeling even more). Notice how you feel calmer.
These techniques are so simple but people report immediate relief and a mind shift when using them. They are taken from a couple of great books I use and recommend;
49 Ways to Think Yourself Well by Jan Alcoe & Emily Gajewski.
The Anti-Anxiety Toolkit by Melissa Tiers.
- 2 min read
Feeling stressed?
We all experience stress at one time or another. A certain amount of stress is good for motivation, keeping us alert and ‘on our toes’ and able to perform at our best.
If however, we feel unable to cope with the amount of stress we are experiencing we have a problem. If stress becomes unbearable &/or goes on for a prolonged period of time it can cause a feeling of overwhelm and lack of control. These feelings can result in mental &/or physical health problems if they do not get dealt with.
What causes stress?
The causes of stress can be varied. There may be a series of small challenges that build up to cause you stress or it could be the result of big life changes, a shock, an overwhelming amount of responsibility or high pressured environments. Other causes include; financial worries, relationship problems, work pressure, injury, illness or a bereavement. Also, positive events that require a lot of planning such as a wedding or a house move can cause stress levels to soar!
Let hypnotherapy help you...
We will identify the root cause of the reaction to stress and decide how you would prefer to feel about the situation/s or triggers. You will be given practical and effective mindset strategies and relaxation techniques to use to cope and deal with stress. You will also be provided with a personalized audio recording, which will reinforce the work we've done in the session and help you to feel calmer, more relaxed and able to cope by shifting thoughts and feelings into a new perspective.
Following hypnotherapy clients report feeling;
Emotionally & mentally balanced
Able to deal with confrontation in a calmer manner
Assertive and able to maintain stronger boundaries when with others
Confident and in control
Able to get a good night's sleep
Generally more relaxed and less anxious
How many sessions will be required?
It really depends on each person and their unique situation but most issues can be helped in between 3 and 6 sessions of hypnosis or often 1-3 sessions of Rapid Transformational Therapy. We will discuss this and create a treatment plan together.
